From Grrrrrr Arrrrrgh To Nice and Mellow

Boy, did I ever wake up in a mood this morning. My mama, if she were still here, would have said that I was "ill as a hornet".  I let my family know I was feeling really grrrrrr and that it wasn't anybody's fault and I would try to not take it out on anybody but this was NOT a good day to try my patience.  Being three very smart guys, they listened!

By 11ish this morning, it was time to hop on Doris.  I did my workout to my new The Biggest Loser Disco mix.  I'm not sure whether it was the music, and the trip down memory lane that it evoked, or if it was the exercise endorphins but I felt so much better after a really good sweat.  This seals the deal for me -- exercise is good for my body AND for my mind.  I'm a fan.

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Fell Off The Wagon, Now Back On The Horse

Chocolate cake.  Hoist by my own petard -- pride.  Yesterday, I did so well; had a bit of pizza nad a single normal-sized serving of cake.  I guess I got cocky.  I was in a mood today and should have stayed away from the cake.  I didn't.  One piece turned into two -- with extra frosting.  Topped off with one of those lunchbox bags of Cheetos.

I haven't plugged it into SparkPeople yet.  I think I'm still within my calorie range (definitely the upper end) for the day but that isn't the point.  The point is losing some of the control over eating because of mood rather than fuel.  I have worked really hard to get to this point -- of understand that food is fuel, not therapy -- and I'm not happy that I have to come here and say "I screwed up."

Same old pattern BUT there's a difference. I blew it but that is not going to become an excuse for just walking away from this healthier lifestyle.  In the past it would have been.  I'd have been all "Obviously I just can't do this, it's too hard."  Now it's "Okay, I screwed up.  The cake is OUT of the house.  I feel bloated and yucky and I don't like feeling this way.  Back to the Shelby 2.0 the Lord and I have been building."

PS I just plugged my food in and I AM -- just barely -- within my calorie range at the upper limits.

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Friday Weigh-In and Weighing In -- Faith

Facing Facts
All in all, two of the three older kids and I have compared notes and Studly's health is going backwards at a pace we have known to expect at some point but weren't ready for just yet. When he nearly died from the kidney failure 4 years ago, I looked at him and told him (who knows if he registered what I said) that I knew that there was going to come a time when he would be ready to give up fighting and, when that time came, I'd be able to tell him it was okay to let go but that that moment wasn't that time. I've watched him struggle for 4 more years since then, with his quality of life decreasing to some degree with every year.

Do I Trust Him?
I awoke with a start at 2 in the morning a few nights ago and it was as if the question was being asked of me, "Will you let him go? Will you let Me decide when it's time?"  So, in the middle of the night, in the biggest leap of faith of my life, I answered. "Yes, Lord, he's truly yours, only mine on loan, and when the time comes, I'll let him go.  YOUR will be done."  And it breaks my heart to consider what that might mean.  There's a line from Jesus Christ Superstar that goes "I only want to say, if there is a way, take this cup away from me, for I don't want to taste its poison, feel it burn me." and that's what these reversals feel like -- a cup of poison.  But if they are required, if really facing what losing Studly will be like and then going through it at some point -- probably sooner rather than later -- is what's required, then I pray the grace and strength from God to let me see it through with faith and grace and strength. As the Jesus character in Superstar said, "God, thy will is hard. But you hold every card. I will drink your cup of poison..."  And it is hard, devastatingly so, to watch my formerly active, vibrant and fiercely independent husband become so very dependent and unable to do, on his own, that which most of us take for granted.  But I continue to have faith in God and in His plan.  I don't understand it, mostly I don't like it very much, but I have faith in it and in Him.

In an interesting bit of God's providence, my pastor's wife/Sunday school teacher (at a church I don't even get to attend anymore because of tending to Studly but she totally rocks!) sent me a birthday card and she had handwritten in the card Isaiah 26:3.  So of course I had to go and look it up:

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

How awesome is the God I serve, that He would use this incredible woman of faith, whom I in no way deserve to have in my life, to basically hand deliver this message to me in the midst of a such a difficult week.  I will wait and serve and praise while His will is being worked in and through my life.  There's no other path for me.

The Fitness and Family posts are below this one.
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Friday Weigh-In and Weighing In -- Studly

Studly/Family
I wrote earlier in the week that we had to have EMS out again on Monday.  I haven't written since and the reason is that we nearly had to have them again on Tuesday.  Studly got into a bad situation but with a tremendous amount of physical effort in his part and on mine, we were able to rectify the situation and not need outside help.  Except I got hurt.  And he got hurt.  He's about 9 inches taller than me and outweighs me proportionally so it took every single bit of everything I had to be able to help him and I ended up feeling muscle fibers in my shoulder and back tear.  Ouch. Sometimes love shouts -- with nearly superhuman efforts or joy or even pain.  But we kept him safe and that's all I care about.  I'm having to physically do more and more for him.  But he's safe and that's all I care about.

He also has an infection in the arm with the plate and the unset break so we're keeping a watchful eye that the antibiotics clear it.  If they do and it doesn't come back, then it was a surface infection and yahoo!  If it comes back, then he's probably growing staph on the plate, like when he grew staph on his dialysis catheter 4 years ago, and that's just an issue I don't even want to think about.  In October 2005, he nearly died from a staph infection that went septic.  It crashed his kidneys and his liver and he came closer to dying, before they were able to start him on dialysis, than I care to think about.  He got better and, praise God, after a few months was ready to come off dialysis.  But right before the catheter was due to be taken out, it got infected with staph and the staph began going septic again.  Luckily we caught it much faster and were able to rectify the problem without getting into another life-threatening situation.  He still has reduced kidney function, even though he's off dialysis, as a result of that and his diabetes only adds to the problem.  So the very idea of a staph infection in his body renders me terrified. Especially since he has made it very plain that I am not to sign papers for dialysis again. Ever.

In the meantime, we're living our lives as partners and as parents as best we can, finding things  to laugh at along the way.  If you're not embroiled in dealing with a very ill person in your life, some of our humor might come off as gallows humor but it works for us! In the night, we reach across the bed and touch one another or hold hands and squeeze for a moment.  Sometimes love whispers with quiet contentment, shared bonds, mutual respect.

The Fitness post is immediately below this one and the Faith post will be going up above.


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Friday Weigh-In and Weighing In -- Fitness

First things first: I've missed you guys this week!  It has been a rough one on the home front, with the hubster, but we've made it through! It would take a HUGE post to go through this week so I'm breaking it up. This is the fitness part.

Weight Loss
Today's weight: 242, which puts me down 5.2 pounds for the week AND brings me to 31 pounds lost in the 6 months since I started this -- and that's with having gained some in Nov/Dec!

Exercise
I have had to adjust my exercise goals.  Everywhere I read on SparkPeople and every time my husband and I talk about my weight loss goals, I get asked the question: "Is what you're doing sustainable?" Because, if it's not, I'll just put the weight back on again eventually. I love Doris the treadmill and I love walking/running on her an hour a day, I love her inclines, but the fact is that I'm 47 years old, my life is getting physically harder with Studly and an hour a day may not be a realistic long-term goal.  So my official goal is half an hour every day, knowing that when time and health permit, I'll be doing my full hour.  And I've switched from free weights to resistance bands.  Hopefully I'll like them better for strength training.

I'm incredibly thankful to God for providing me with the means to get the treadmill and the strength to get on it every day because most of the days this week it has absolutely been HIS strength and not mine.

Diet
SparkPeople recalculates my nutritional needs based on my calories burned.  That's kind of cool; I don't have to worry about it.  Interestingly (and I find this incredibly strange) now that I'm eating healthier foods I'm having trouble hitting my calorie allotments because the healthier foods do such a good job of filling me up and keeping me full!  It's just the weirdest feeling to look at my nutrition chart and think "I know I need to eat more but I'm not hungry!".  Makes me wonder how I did all I did with such an inadequately-fueled (meaning not healthy whole foods) body before.

How I Feel
This week I feel kind of beat up. You can read about that on the Studly portion of my Friday posts.  But curiously I still feel strong!  This is a very unusual feeling for me and a most welcome one since I'm primarily doing these lifestyle changes to get strong and healthy!

Will get the Family and the Faith posts up shortly.
 
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